Lowercase "i" because I'm youthful and edgy.

FUCK YOU

oh shit

I think I'm part dead.

Did I really lose a friend?

At first, I really believed so. I really believed that yes, this person was my best friend, the one that I want to share everything with, the one I enjoy being around, and just an all-around good person. And I've lost a friend... A true friend.

But wait... What was that you said to me?

The only reason you are still my friend is... What?

It's because you thought you could convert me?

...

See, at first I didn't realize how much this statement meant.

I am... no, scratch that, was your friend because I thought you were a nice, cool, interesting person. You are fun to be around. We like the same sorts of things! That is why I was your friend!

I was not your friend because I wanted to add another name to my list of "People I Converted to Atheism." Do you know why?

Because I have the good goddamn sense to not shove my beliefs down unwilling throats.

I don't understand this at all...

How can you be friends with someone based solely on the fact that you want to convert them? Do you see me as a person, or a challenge? Do you even like me as a person? Do you even care?

After hearing you say that you are only still my friend because you want me to be a Christian, something terrible happened: I saw the future.

I saw you failing to "convert" me. I saw you realizing that I AM UNSHAKABLE. That I am STRONG and SMART. And after you realized this, you saw that your quest was over. You could not convert me. And then what happened?

You no longer saw any reason to be my friend.

That's sick. Just sick.

To destroy a friendship because I will never think like you! You are sad. Wake up. WAKE UP!

I want to scream it in your face! I have tried being civil. I have tried explaining to you how closed-minded you are being, but it does not work. So what else can I do?

I know exactly what I can do...

I can let go.

After seeing your true colors, I don't see any reason to hold on anymore. Is it strange that I'm not sad? Is it unnatural for me to not be hurt? Maybe it is.

But if you can justify being as closed minded as you are, if you can sleep at night, if you can convince yourself that you are right and you have no reason to doubt yourself... Then I see no reason to be upset.

I see no reason to care about losing someone who never cared for me in the first place.

Goodbye.

i have to ask myself...

Am I prepared to lose everything? I mean, EVERYTHING?

Am I afraid of losing everything?

What would I lose, anyway?

I could lose friends... Maybe some family members, too. I won't lose my home... No, my mom provides my home. Come to think of it, I don't really have much to lose.

Nothing left to lose, and everything to gain. The more I think about it, the more it seems like the perfect choice for me.

This could be it. This could really be it! I might be ready.

I may be ready...

Am I ready?

I think I'm ready.

I'd like to tell the world.

I'm ready.

what am I?

I'm stuck. :(

Will someone please help me out?

i'm not going to move my hand.

It was here first, and I like it where it is.

Next to yours... Fingers barely touching.

I'm not going to move my hand.

You can move yours if you'd like.

...Please don't.

omgomgomgomg

Stop saying embarassing things! You look really dumb right now.

This is important.

I need paper and pen, but I need it to be safe. A diary with a lock is hard to find, but without it what am I supposed to do? I can feel my creative spirit slowly dying. I need to touch paper, and use real ink for once. I need it to be real. I need to be able to say the things that I want everyone to know, just in case I die someday and I don't get the chance to tell them.

i honestly didn't think

that I would feel this bad.

I know he didn't mean to hurt me, but I feel so played. I feel like I should tell him.

I miss him. He was never mine, but I want him back.

cheating at Half-Life 2

Is fun; especially when you're lonely and you want to kill yourself.

give weapon_smg1

:P

i suppose

I'll feel real good about myself, when I look back on this in a couple of years.

i sometimes enjoy doing stupid things.

Especially when it involves a boy I have no chance with. But for a different reason this time.

He's not drop-dead gorgeous. He isn't six feet tall, nor does he have amazing abs. He isn't in a totally different social circle. He's not too many years older than me.

No, he is a good person, and a nice, friendly guy. I really like him... I really, really care about him. As lame as it seems, he is considering me as a potential romantic interest.

But here's why I have (almost) no chance.

He is a Christian. He loves god more than anything. He is pretty conservative.

I am "atheist." I will never believe in a god. I am pretty liberal.

It's a difficult place to be for him, he claims. Maybe he really does like me? Religion always gets in the way. I guess I won't know for a while. Or maybe I'll never know.

It's strange, but I like it.

Don't be scared...

i won't put up with it.

By this instance, I don't need to.

just quit that

Stop your falling in love bullshit. It's getting really annoying.

Oh, but what if he likes me back? That would be so wonderful.

more and more

I find myself less attracted to the idea of human interaction. If I could just not have to deal with other people, that would be so satisfying. I don't even want to have to interact with people I don't know. I don't want to chat with my Indonesian friend, I don't want to post on GoS, I don't want to leave YouTube comments... I'd just rather be left alone.

I don't want to do a damn thing.

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead.

i've got a new accent.

This is what tends to happen when I watch too much Mighty Boosh. The words in my head end up sounding like Vince Noir, or even occasionally like that alabaster retard the Moon. It's a lovely thing though. I don't mind it much at all. It makes me feel more interesting.

On a different subject, I just can't stay much out of love these days. It's shameful, really.

Got to grow up sometime or another.

What a load of bollocks.

i love Coldplay.

They are the best.  <3

I feel like my life is starting over today.  I suddenly have so much to look forward to...  I just wish I could fall in love, and everything would be amazing.

And PS; if you love Coldplay, you MUST see them live.  Otherwise I will hunt you down and drag you to a show.  I saw them for the first time tonight.  I want to cry tears of joy, but I'm too happy to let the floodgates open again.

Also, I just realized; this is the first blog I have ever tagged as "happy."

:D

i don't get it

If I'm not supposed to be what I am, then what am I to be?

I don't like to sit with you

Or other people

I'm a baby octopus

Introvert

If I can't cry when I'm alone, who do I cry for?

Is it you?

Will you dry my tears?

Or not today

We've lost again

i have a new hobby.

Panoramic picture-taking. If I ever get my laptop back I might put some on photobucket and share.

:)

:(

XP

well...

Yesterday I confessed to someone that I wanted to off myself. Meanwhile I told my mom that I really don't care about school anymore. And I really don't.

So both of those things got me sent to the grief counselor at school. She called my mom and told her what I said about not wanting to live anymore, mom came and picked me up, and then she made an appointment with my old therapist.

So I'll probably be going to therapy again for a while.

And therapy sucks. I drew a picture, which was nice, but then the picture made my cry. And for some reason I really don't like to cry in front of my therapist.

I don't know... I just don't care.

We bought an easel, a rug, some paint, and more canvases while we were out. I just want to be home right now, painting. Anywhere but here. It makes me sick to be here.

i live in my own little world.

It's not something you hear every day.

"You're out of touch with reality."

You know it's true. You've known it for a long time, you just never realised that this is what has been holding you down.

And you begin to wonder: How far away am I? Have I built a world inside my head to keep myself safe? Have I become a different person without noticing myself slip away? What do I do now?

I don't remember my life anymore. All I see is whatever is directly in front of me. All I hear is my own voice, crying for help. All I taste is the food that I miss. And I miss it because it made me feel like I was in another world.

How do I come back from where I am now? How do I get back in touch?

What if I was never in touch?

Except as a child. I can remember being a child, but I don't remember being alive today.

So there is nothing I can do, I suppose. I could try to become a child again, but what would happen to me then?

I would be nothing.

i...

Don't fucking know.

wow, three in one day

I have so many feelings today that I just can't stay away from this place.

I think I'm regressing.  My writing style doesn't make any sense to me anymore.  I can't seem to come up with a compound sentence without having to think very carefully about what I am writing.  And it only happens at crucial moments!  Like right now?  These words just seem to flow.  Some of them are a bit anxious to come out, but they're working together so nicely that I don't mind.  I don't even mind the fragments.  They have so much character. 

I miss them.

this pizza

Is fucking good.

And I'm eating it with a knife and fork, because I'm cool like that.

i feel a little bit like...

An open field.  But not in a good way.  There's nothing in this field; it's just empty space.

I feel like I have no way out and nowhere to go.

Whoop, pizza's done...

...Turns out it wasn't.  I gave it two more minutes.  It smells delicious, by the way.

But I haven't forgotten about my open field.  No, I have merely lost my train of thought.

Maybe I ought to just forget about it for now.  Relax, play the Sims, eat one third of a cheese pizza.  Yeah, that'll do me some good.

Oh, I think it's really done now.  Yup, it's perfect.

Lunch time...

i am terrified

I don't know if I have the power to keep going.

Everything that I thought would be easily obtained is now slipping away. 

I need my dreams to become reality, and I need freedom.

Freedom.

Freedom from what?

Myself!  I have chained myself up; locked myself up and thrown away the key.

How do I get out?

Help.

Help.

Help.

Help...

Help!

you know it's bad.

When even your teachers have given up on you

and you haven't done anything wrong.

i'll tell you

You want to know what my deal is?  What exactly my major malfunction is?  What's wrong?  I'll tell you:

The problem I have is that I don't care.  I don't care what religion you practice.  I don't care about the color of your skin.  I don't care if you're gay, straight, bisexual, or anything else in the wide spectrum of sexuality.  I just don't care.  I love people for who they are.  I don't hate on them for their spiritual or political beliefs, and I especially don't hate on them for things that are beyond their control.

But what gets me is that my family--my loving, caring, wonderful family--refuses to accept the fact that I AM DIFFERENT.

I'm not a Catholic like the rest of them.  In fact, I just straight up don't believe in a god, or any "higher power" for that matter.  It just doesn't make sense to me, so I reject religion and most spiritual practices.

But that's not good enough for my family.  We were all raised Catholic, so I know what they believe in.  I know about their values.  I just don't understand how those values can disappear so easily.

"Love your neighbor as yourself." we were taught.

I'm more than your neighbor.  I'm your sister, your daughter, your granddaughter.  I love you, no matter what you believe in.  I'm not going to argue against your faith.  So why can't you love me?  Just love me for who I am despite what I may or may not believe in?

Why can't you accept that I don't need your faith to feel complete?  I don't need your religion to make me happy.

I fully understand that people need their faith.  I believe that everyone has the freedom to practice whatever religion they want.  Believe what you want to believe!  If it makes you happy, makes you feel fulfillment, makes you feel complete, that's great!  Good for you!  I mean it!

People should only do the things that make them happy!  Your religion makes you happy, and that makes me happy for you.

But I don't want you to shove your beliefs down my damn throat.

I know what you're doing mom.  You want us as a family to be closer together.  You want to pull us together, and you're using the Catholic faith to help accomplish that.

But it isn't working!  Can't you see what you're doing to me?  The more you force it on me, the further away from you I want to be.  You think you're pulling, but you're pushing me and pushing me further away.  You say these things to me.  You argue against me with absolutely no evidence to back you up.  You don't understand how my brain works.  You don't know what I'm thinking.

When I say, "I don't believe in a god," it makes no sense for you to reply, "Yes you do."

When I say I'm not a Catholic, it bothers me to hear you say, "Once a Catholic, always a Catholic."

I've told you that I don't want any part of it anymore.  I'm tired of it.  It shouldn't be this big of a problem.  Things would be so much easier if everyone could just let me believe--or not believe--in whatever I want.

I just want to be happy.

i'm frustrated

Fuck you.  Fuck you and all of your shit.  I fucking hate that you've wasted an entire day for me, and yourself, and you don't give a shit about it.  Just because you've missed the first few days of school this week is no excuse for you to say, "Well, why don't I just take another day off?  I may not be that sick, but it's the weekend and I really don't want to go."

And you admit it too, you bastard!  I complain because I'm supposed to be watching a sick person, and you don't seem sick!  You're out of control!  Your reply:  "I'm not sick.  I got better."

I want to hit you.  God I just want to beat the shit out of you.  Fucking wasting my time and being an asshole while you're at it.  Fuck.

Dude, I just discovered Wordles.  These things are so much fun.  Check mine out:  

i'm hopeless

I want you to leave me alone.  Because every time you get my attention, I can't look away.  Every time you enter my mind, I can't think about anything else for hours.  

It's not fair.  I'm tired of being a prisoner.  I just want to get on with my life.  I don't want to have to wonder why you're gone again.  Why you tapped on my shoulder just to say hello, and then before I could open my mouth, you were gone.

God I hate you.  I hate you so much.

i'm not afraid anymore.

Yeah, we're cool.  We can text, we can talk, we can keep in touch if you'd like.  A while ago this would have been a reason to panic.  It would have been a reason for my pulse to race, my knees to weaken, my mind to fall apart.

But these days I don't care.  I'm not afraid of you anymore.  You're no big deal.  Just a boy.

A relationship with you doesn't matter to me anymore.  I'll disappear eventually; I'll never talk to you again.

And you know what?

I'll be better off.

i wonder if people google themselves.

'Cause if "they" do, then "they'd" find this blog.

*Wink wink*

i crush, i crush.

I have a crush on two boys. One of them probably doesn't think of me that way, and one of them I haven't seen in months. But I like them. And I can't help it.

i am childish.

But I still feel sad that I am nobody's "bestie."

i feel angry

I had a strange dream last night. When I woke up, I didn't remember any of it, but it's starting to come back to me now. ...It's making me upset. There is a girl I know in real life. She's not a bad person. She's pretty friendly, and she's nice most of the time. I don't hate her. I have almost no opinion of this girl, except for the judge of character that I have just provided.

But in my dream I hated her. She did one thing to make me angry, and I lashed out. I yelled, I cursed, I tried to attack. I could feel my arms shaking.

But it was only a dream.

Why do I dream these things? It's almost as if my body (or my mind) is trying to tell me something. If so, I know exactly what I'm being told. It's my anger... Most people know me as someone who is calm and quiet, but they don't know who I am inside. I get angry so easily, and at the smallest, stupidest things. And when I get angry, I want to hurt someone. I have to sit very still, and try to think of something--anything--that will calm me down. My hands shake, my ears get hot...

My father once described feeling very angry. His anger reminded me of how I feel when I am angry. He called it "Quiet Rage."

I'm afraid of my quiet rage. I know why I feel it. I feel it because I hold in all of the anger I feel until it's safe to let it out. I'm afraid that someday I won't be able to hold in my anger anymore, and I'll explode.

I should buy a punching bag.

i don't understand

Attraction is a strange thing. It's so irrational. Even stupid things like this make me smile: (I edited the stupid thing...)

It wasn't even directed towards me. It was a public bulletin... And it made me so happy.

Urghhhh...

i feel so ALIVE

No kidding.  I fell asleep within seconds of shutting down my laptop last night.  I was going to delete that last post, but it's just too funny for me to get rid of it.

The sleep I got last night wasn't quite enough for me, but luckily I had a test today in one of my classes, so I slept through it and now I feel GREAT.

Except for this blasted headache.  AAAARRGHH!

Humans are strange creatures.  I should fly away from them and start a new life as a spirit.  

That way I could make it up as I go along, and not really need to know what I'm going to do next.

i'm sleepless

But not in Seattle.  My brain is all mouldy.  No--wait...  It's fuzzy.  I don't understand?  I just want to leave my eyelids closed.  That's amazing.  I can sleep now.  I really can!  All I have to do is put down the laptop.

Just put it down.  Lie down.

Sleep.

Goodnight mewn.

The last day.

I was floating down a river in a small canoe.  I was not alone.  My friend the wolf was with me.

I said "Wolf, why are we sitting here?"

"This is what we always do."  He replied.

"Why don't we do something about it?"  I asked him.

"About what?"

"Our boat."

"What boat?"  He asked me, his head cocked slightly and his ears wiggling.

And he was right.  There was no boat.

We were sitting on the floor, legs crossed, eating Pocky.

"I forgot,"  I said, "that I don't own a boat."

He munched on a stick of Pocky.  "That's okay."  He said to me.

"We all make mistakes."

I nodded slowly, contemplating the powers of my imagination, and the deliciousness of Pocky.

This is my Happy Place

I am Ashos.  (No, it's not my real name.)

I am just a person.  Male or female, old or young, white or black or some other color.  You know, a person.  Like you.

I want to share my thoughts, and I've decided that this is the place to do it.  I don't care how many people read this blog, but I like the idea of having a journal that someone else can read.  The catch is that you don't know who I am.  Which is a good thing, because there could be things on this blog that I don't want my family to know.

I hope you don't think my writing style is creepy.

'Cause I do.  :P

But that's okay, since my writing style seems to change every now and then.

Anyway, I am Ashos.

It's nice to meet you.