i crush, i crush.

I have a crush on two boys. One of them probably doesn't think of me that way, and one of them I haven't seen in months. But I like them. And I can't help it.

i am childish.

But I still feel sad that I am nobody's "bestie."

i feel angry

I had a strange dream last night. When I woke up, I didn't remember any of it, but it's starting to come back to me now. ...It's making me upset. There is a girl I know in real life. She's not a bad person. She's pretty friendly, and she's nice most of the time. I don't hate her. I have almost no opinion of this girl, except for the judge of character that I have just provided.

But in my dream I hated her. She did one thing to make me angry, and I lashed out. I yelled, I cursed, I tried to attack. I could feel my arms shaking.

But it was only a dream.

Why do I dream these things? It's almost as if my body (or my mind) is trying to tell me something. If so, I know exactly what I'm being told. It's my anger... Most people know me as someone who is calm and quiet, but they don't know who I am inside. I get angry so easily, and at the smallest, stupidest things. And when I get angry, I want to hurt someone. I have to sit very still, and try to think of something--anything--that will calm me down. My hands shake, my ears get hot...

My father once described feeling very angry. His anger reminded me of how I feel when I am angry. He called it "Quiet Rage."

I'm afraid of my quiet rage. I know why I feel it. I feel it because I hold in all of the anger I feel until it's safe to let it out. I'm afraid that someday I won't be able to hold in my anger anymore, and I'll explode.

I should buy a punching bag.

i don't understand

Attraction is a strange thing. It's so irrational. Even stupid things like this make me smile: (I edited the stupid thing...)

It wasn't even directed towards me. It was a public bulletin... And it made me so happy.

Urghhhh...

i feel so ALIVE

No kidding.  I fell asleep within seconds of shutting down my laptop last night.  I was going to delete that last post, but it's just too funny for me to get rid of it.

The sleep I got last night wasn't quite enough for me, but luckily I had a test today in one of my classes, so I slept through it and now I feel GREAT.

Except for this blasted headache.  AAAARRGHH!

Humans are strange creatures.  I should fly away from them and start a new life as a spirit.  

That way I could make it up as I go along, and not really need to know what I'm going to do next.

i'm sleepless

But not in Seattle.  My brain is all mouldy.  No--wait...  It's fuzzy.  I don't understand?  I just want to leave my eyelids closed.  That's amazing.  I can sleep now.  I really can!  All I have to do is put down the laptop.

Just put it down.  Lie down.

Sleep.

Goodnight mewn.

The last day.

I was floating down a river in a small canoe.  I was not alone.  My friend the wolf was with me.

I said "Wolf, why are we sitting here?"

"This is what we always do."  He replied.

"Why don't we do something about it?"  I asked him.

"About what?"

"Our boat."

"What boat?"  He asked me, his head cocked slightly and his ears wiggling.

And he was right.  There was no boat.

We were sitting on the floor, legs crossed, eating Pocky.

"I forgot,"  I said, "that I don't own a boat."

He munched on a stick of Pocky.  "That's okay."  He said to me.

"We all make mistakes."

I nodded slowly, contemplating the powers of my imagination, and the deliciousness of Pocky.

This is my Happy Place

I am Ashos.  (No, it's not my real name.)

I am just a person.  Male or female, old or young, white or black or some other color.  You know, a person.  Like you.

I want to share my thoughts, and I've decided that this is the place to do it.  I don't care how many people read this blog, but I like the idea of having a journal that someone else can read.  The catch is that you don't know who I am.  Which is a good thing, because there could be things on this blog that I don't want my family to know.

I hope you don't think my writing style is creepy.

'Cause I do.  :P

But that's okay, since my writing style seems to change every now and then.

Anyway, I am Ashos.

It's nice to meet you.