i...

Don't fucking know.

wow, three in one day

I have so many feelings today that I just can't stay away from this place.

I think I'm regressing.  My writing style doesn't make any sense to me anymore.  I can't seem to come up with a compound sentence without having to think very carefully about what I am writing.  And it only happens at crucial moments!  Like right now?  These words just seem to flow.  Some of them are a bit anxious to come out, but they're working together so nicely that I don't mind.  I don't even mind the fragments.  They have so much character. 

I miss them.

this pizza

Is fucking good.

And I'm eating it with a knife and fork, because I'm cool like that.

i feel a little bit like...

An open field.  But not in a good way.  There's nothing in this field; it's just empty space.

I feel like I have no way out and nowhere to go.

Whoop, pizza's done...

...Turns out it wasn't.  I gave it two more minutes.  It smells delicious, by the way.

But I haven't forgotten about my open field.  No, I have merely lost my train of thought.

Maybe I ought to just forget about it for now.  Relax, play the Sims, eat one third of a cheese pizza.  Yeah, that'll do me some good.

Oh, I think it's really done now.  Yup, it's perfect.

Lunch time...

i am terrified

I don't know if I have the power to keep going.

Everything that I thought would be easily obtained is now slipping away. 

I need my dreams to become reality, and I need freedom.

Freedom.

Freedom from what?

Myself!  I have chained myself up; locked myself up and thrown away the key.

How do I get out?

Help.

Help.

Help.

Help...

Help!

you know it's bad.

When even your teachers have given up on you

and you haven't done anything wrong.

i'll tell you

You want to know what my deal is?  What exactly my major malfunction is?  What's wrong?  I'll tell you:

The problem I have is that I don't care.  I don't care what religion you practice.  I don't care about the color of your skin.  I don't care if you're gay, straight, bisexual, or anything else in the wide spectrum of sexuality.  I just don't care.  I love people for who they are.  I don't hate on them for their spiritual or political beliefs, and I especially don't hate on them for things that are beyond their control.

But what gets me is that my family--my loving, caring, wonderful family--refuses to accept the fact that I AM DIFFERENT.

I'm not a Catholic like the rest of them.  In fact, I just straight up don't believe in a god, or any "higher power" for that matter.  It just doesn't make sense to me, so I reject religion and most spiritual practices.

But that's not good enough for my family.  We were all raised Catholic, so I know what they believe in.  I know about their values.  I just don't understand how those values can disappear so easily.

"Love your neighbor as yourself." we were taught.

I'm more than your neighbor.  I'm your sister, your daughter, your granddaughter.  I love you, no matter what you believe in.  I'm not going to argue against your faith.  So why can't you love me?  Just love me for who I am despite what I may or may not believe in?

Why can't you accept that I don't need your faith to feel complete?  I don't need your religion to make me happy.

I fully understand that people need their faith.  I believe that everyone has the freedom to practice whatever religion they want.  Believe what you want to believe!  If it makes you happy, makes you feel fulfillment, makes you feel complete, that's great!  Good for you!  I mean it!

People should only do the things that make them happy!  Your religion makes you happy, and that makes me happy for you.

But I don't want you to shove your beliefs down my damn throat.

I know what you're doing mom.  You want us as a family to be closer together.  You want to pull us together, and you're using the Catholic faith to help accomplish that.

But it isn't working!  Can't you see what you're doing to me?  The more you force it on me, the further away from you I want to be.  You think you're pulling, but you're pushing me and pushing me further away.  You say these things to me.  You argue against me with absolutely no evidence to back you up.  You don't understand how my brain works.  You don't know what I'm thinking.

When I say, "I don't believe in a god," it makes no sense for you to reply, "Yes you do."

When I say I'm not a Catholic, it bothers me to hear you say, "Once a Catholic, always a Catholic."

I've told you that I don't want any part of it anymore.  I'm tired of it.  It shouldn't be this big of a problem.  Things would be so much easier if everyone could just let me believe--or not believe--in whatever I want.

I just want to be happy.

i'm frustrated

Fuck you.  Fuck you and all of your shit.  I fucking hate that you've wasted an entire day for me, and yourself, and you don't give a shit about it.  Just because you've missed the first few days of school this week is no excuse for you to say, "Well, why don't I just take another day off?  I may not be that sick, but it's the weekend and I really don't want to go."

And you admit it too, you bastard!  I complain because I'm supposed to be watching a sick person, and you don't seem sick!  You're out of control!  Your reply:  "I'm not sick.  I got better."

I want to hit you.  God I just want to beat the shit out of you.  Fucking wasting my time and being an asshole while you're at it.  Fuck.

Dude, I just discovered Wordles.  These things are so much fun.  Check mine out:  

i'm hopeless

I want you to leave me alone.  Because every time you get my attention, I can't look away.  Every time you enter my mind, I can't think about anything else for hours.  

It's not fair.  I'm tired of being a prisoner.  I just want to get on with my life.  I don't want to have to wonder why you're gone again.  Why you tapped on my shoulder just to say hello, and then before I could open my mouth, you were gone.

God I hate you.  I hate you so much.

i'm not afraid anymore.

Yeah, we're cool.  We can text, we can talk, we can keep in touch if you'd like.  A while ago this would have been a reason to panic.  It would have been a reason for my pulse to race, my knees to weaken, my mind to fall apart.

But these days I don't care.  I'm not afraid of you anymore.  You're no big deal.  Just a boy.

A relationship with you doesn't matter to me anymore.  I'll disappear eventually; I'll never talk to you again.

And you know what?

I'll be better off.

i wonder if people google themselves.

'Cause if "they" do, then "they'd" find this blog.

*Wink wink*